"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart."
Last Words to Mila Maria
Thank you all for being here today. Your love and support along with our faith is what helps us get through this time.
Before I get started I want to take a moment to acknowledge Mila’s Texas Children’s Hospital family. If you are a part of Texas Children’s could you please stand up.
Thank you for loving my Mila. Thank you for all that you gave to her and to us during her seven beautiful weeks of life. Your love and support will never be forgotten.
I also want to take a moment to thank all of you who text, or face booked me your prayers during these seven weeks. I have never lost my faith, but there were times, I lost my words. I would take your words and speak them. Your words became my words. They became life. Thank you all for giving me I didn’t have at that time.
Mike and I felt it was important to speak to you on behalf of Mila. Neither one of us have ever spoken in front of a crowd like this before.
There are very few gifts that we can give to her at this point this is one of them.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I looked into the mirror and told Mike “I’m pregnant. I can see it.” Mike was doubtful only because he knew how difficult it was for us. We had tried so many times before and were unsuccessful.
That morning we went to an Easter egg hunt with our good friends, Ivan and Veronica. Afterwards Mike went to the store to buy the test. I wasn’t feeling sick or anything;
I just could already see her in me.
The test came back positive. Mike was so excited he wanted to tell the word! Neither one of us could believe it! What a little miracle she already was. We had tried for so long and now here we were. We were on cloud nine!
I remember I told Mike, I would love to have a natural birth. When I gave birth to Ava, it was very calm. They induced me and I ended up having a C-section. I told Mike, I felt like I didn’t get the excitement that women talk about. The “Oh no, my water broke, lets rush to the hospital”. I wanted to experience that with this pregnancy.
It’s amazing how Mila gave that to me and so much more. She was everything I ever could hope for.
Yes our world was turned upside down over night but when it is your baby in there and you see life, you make any and all adjustments required. Nothing like this had ever happen to my family before. We had never even heard of it happening. But I knew one thing, I did not want to leave that hospital without her.
I made it my motherly goal to be there every possible moment. Even thou she was not inside of me anymore I felt that it was important for me to be in her room. It was important for her to hear my voice. I knew she would recognize it and she did. Not only did she recognize mine but she also recognized her daddy, her brother and her sister.
We were in her room one day and Ava and John were being loud, driving me nuts of course. I walked over to look at Mila and I saw her responding to their voice. It was such a beautiful site to see. She was alive and well!
I know we will never understand why The Lord chose to take Mila so soon? Yes she had a few setbacks but the majority of her days were good!
The day she passed away Doctor Mandy told me, he said “look at her laying there like a baby with no problems she looks good”. As a mother, it made my heart so happy to hear that. Little did we know the events of that way were about to take us for an unexpected turn.
Mila was doing so well they took her completely off everything. She had no more wires all over her body. I was so happy! The next step was her getting in a crib and wearing clothes.
She went from 1 pound to 3.2! I remember I asked her nurse, I said is she swollen or are those rolls? She said "oh no, that is fat! She is gaining weight". Oh how that made my heart so happy to see those rolls! Because I remember when she didn’t have them.
No mother ever wants to lose a child. The pain is something that could never be put into words.
But if you do
You want the opportunity to make it beautiful and peaceful for them. I had that chance. Mike had that chance. Thank you Jesus for giving us that chance.
I spent every possible moment with her from the beginning, holding her, loving her, we would say our prayers together at night. I have no regrets of ever leaving her, because I never did. I knew she loved snuggling with her prayer clothes, I knew she loved lying on her belly.
She would give the nurses a hard time if they laid her on her left side and I knew that about her.
Thursday, before she coded, I was with her. I was holding her hand, talking with her and calming her. I was with her every possible moment, good and bad. She looked at me in my eyes and wrapped her little finger around mine. I could see in her eyes she was asking for mommy to help.
After she coded, I stayed with her still, everyone kept telling me, go take a break Maria we will be here with her, maybe you should leave the room? But no, I was not leaving my daughter and I didn’t. I believed in my heart she was going to pull out of it. I would tell her, Mila hurry baby mommy needs you to pull through. I truly believed she was going to make it. I fell to my knees in full surrender to God.
Friday, Mike and I sat down with doctor Mandy, Mila’s primary doctor and he told us, she had a 1 or 2% chance of making it. The fellow doctor told us that if she coded again, she was more than likely not going to make it and it was probably going to happen pretty soon. Mike and I talked about it and agreed we didn’t want her to pass away with a bunch of doctors and nurses all around her. We wanted her to pass with us. In our arms surrounded by love.
We made it as beautiful as we possibly could. We baptized her; we prayed over her, we had healing lullabies playing in the back ground. I held her in my arms as Mike sat next to us so very close, so close that he held her with me. We said out loud, God we accept you Will and we give her to you, we give her to you God. We give her to you. At that moment Mila took a deep breath, and I knew God had taken her. I was so thankful to God that if she had to go, it was this way. It was with us, her mommy and daddy. I know she felt our love. I saw the peace in her beautiful little face.
After she passed I asked God to please let me see her one more time. I just want to know that she was ok. When I asked this of God I imagined that she would come to me in my dreams.
God answered my prayer but not in the way I expected.
The funeral home called me on Tuesday and said Mila is here please let me know when you can come and see her. Mike and I were nervous because we didn’t know what to expect. In our minds we pictured her to look really bad. Before she passed, she no longer even looked like Mila.
But when we walked in the room, she looked so beautiful. She was bundled up like a beautiful little baby. This was the first time we had seen Mila outside of the NICU. She looked like she was at such peace. Mike and I pulled up a chair and lay with her for a while. Oh how happy it made us to see her at such peace. She looked like Mila. In no pain, no wires, no tubes, just our perfect little Mila at peace.
The next morning I woke up rolled over and looked into Mikes eyes. He moved his eyebrows a certain way and when he did I saw Mila. She looked just like her daddy.
Oh how faithful God is to give me these moments, to allow me to see her still. How faithful He is.
And yes we may not understand why He chose to take Mila so soon. But I never doubt our God, I never question our God, I simply just believe.
The video you are about to see is of me holding Mila. She was fourteen days of life, 1 pound, 500 grams, 12 inches long. It was the very first time I had ever held her.
You can’t tell this in the video but she was moving non-stop on my body, the way she would have been moving had I still been pregnant with her. I wish I had taken video of the last time I held her because you would have seen the difference. She was almost 14 inches long, 3.2 pounds. What a difference.
Mila we love you and thank you for all that you have given us.
I will never get to tuck you in at night, brush your hair, watch your favorite tv show with you. I will never get to see you fall in love or have your first kiss, but you will live in my heart forever. I will think of you each day. Your name will be spoken of and we will keep your memory alive. I love you my little angel. Sleep now and take your rest.